solitude vs. loneliness

they are very different.

i crave solitude.

i fear loneliness.

today, walking home from the mechanic,  A__ fell asleep.

here in new england, it was a beautiful autumn day.  you can stand in one place and literally watch the colored leaves float down from the tree tops.  the breeze was light and fluffy.  the air held that crisp autumn tingle while still being warm enough to wear only a t-shirt with your jeans.

so i pushed A__ up the drive and then parked her near the stoop, put the brake on, and sat.

that’s when i noticed the leaves.

and then i felt the soft breeze.

and then i smelled autumn.

and then i heard children playing.

and then i spotted A__’s soccer ball.  so i kicked around a while.

and, so, while my daughter slept the autumn day away in her little umbrella stroller, i found some solitude attempting to juggle a flat size 4 soccer ball.

and then my neighbor’s mother appeared dangling a cigarette from her finger tips.  i watched her get closer and closer puffing grey smoke towards my child.  i watched my soccer ball roll into the fence.  and suddenly i felt very alone…in the company of unwanted company.

so i sat on the stoop next to A__ and pulled leaves apart until smoky lady went away.

and then i found the ball, and peace returned.

and i breathed.