Already, I face it. Already, I bristle when moms defend their sons by way of saying, “he’s a boy.” Already, I grimace and call my child a “girlie girl” to other moms and tell the stories of her necklaces and purses and fancy party shoes. Already, my daughter, at the tender age of 18 months–a tender age for ALL children, I might add–is being stereotyped and “gender-ified.”
This morning I interviewed a potential babysitter. She brought her son. He’s fifteen months old and behaves like a pretty typical toddler. He got into everything. He listened to the interesting sounds and felt the interesting textures. He found the piles and pulled them apart. He found the cat and chased her into a corner. He got to work being a toddler. He wasn’t interested in saying ‘hi’ to Avi. By way of trying to tell his mom that I was okay with his toddler-ness, I said, “It’s okay. He’s busy being busy!” and I smiled.
She replied, “Oh, he’s such a boy. Boys are so independent.”
I smiled again. Because as she said this, my child was off in another room, a girl, being independent. But because she was sitting and singing to herself, not attempting to pull my garbage can apart, she was clearly not as independent as he.
To be continued…
I think young girls are very much more independent than young boys. My friend’s daughters can sit in a room, play with dollies, sing to themselves. My son is always ripping something apart, playing in the dog’s water bowl, climbing on the furniture. Plus, he always needs to be by my side. It can get exhausting. The whole “with boys you pay now; girls you pay later” comment. At first I hated it. Whatevs, I said. Now I see it’s kinda true!
He would definitely want to say hi to Avi though. He might hit her, too, however. That’s just how he shows his love… sigh.
Oh, I bristle, too, at the “he’s just being a boy” stuff. I just can’t, despite any kind of research or anecdote that anyone can give me, subscribe to boys-are-like-this and girls-are-like-that stuff–it just doesn’t seem to matter when we’re dealing with little individuals. I think that unavoidable stereotyping and cultural pressures shape certain boy and girl stuff as they grow up, but I just don’t buy that, say, my 4 year old son’s gentleness is odd because it’s too “girl-like,” or Avi’s independence isn’t as strong as the prospective babysitter’s son’s…or my friend’s little girl, who hits all the time, is boy-like. It’s them. (That’s not to say I’m certain I’m always taking on a gender-neutral way of dealing with and talking to my kids–this kind of stuff is way too ingrained even though I’m always thinking about it. I totally mess up sometimes.)
Hmmm…I’m intrigued by the “To be continued…”
I agree with EVERYTHING singleworkingmommy says! Her comments ARE my children! Katie was always good at playing alone for a long time, and being more content in whatever she was doing, while Ben is attached to my hip and Mr. Destruco….and would probably say hi with a hit…something Katie never did! EVER!
I know labeling is bad, and I was super on that bandwagon when Katie was younger…don’t say they are super smart b/c then they will feel they have to live up to that, don’t say they are pretty b/c then they will try to get by on their looks, etc, etc. I fell off the wagon after Ben, though, b/c he IS a boy…meaning, I guess, that he is SO different from his sister, loves to break things and throw his toys as hard as he can, and pushes his cars around in the baby carriage. Although I don’t think the boy or girl labels are as bad as some others…and it’s hard not to attribute certain things to a cute, little toddler. I think as they grow labeling becomes more of an issue…but sometimes boys are just boys and girls are just girls…and sometimes boys like to wear their sister’s princess outfits and girls like to play with swords! ; )
I wonder if I start labeling Ben as a calm, non-hitting little boy he will stop breaking stuff and stop putting the smack down…hmmmm…haha.
Here’s the funny thing … the people who tell me my son is “such a boy” are always, always the mothers (my friends) or girls. They say things like, “he’s so different. He’s just such a boy.”
And I want to say – “NO! He’s different because he’s mine and he’s amazing.” Damn. I love this post.
There was a study once, heard about it some sociology class in college. They took a baby. Dressed him up in girls clothes – took him on the street…and then in boy clothes. The adult reactions were 180 from each other…proving that our brain starts computing whether we should be “tough” or “beautiful” from a very, very early age.
Thanks again for this post.
This is really interesting…so much so that I’m going to write a post of my own addressing it, and link to yours, if that’s okay!
Fascinating topic! I have two boys and have found that boys and girls play very differently but not because of their gender, but because of their personalities. Boys and girls are different — But neither gender is any better than the other, or more independent or more caring.
My boys enjoy a whole range of things — Mud, trucks, their special stuffed animals (that they have converstaions with), dressing up (my 2 year old especially loves going to my friend’s house whose daughters are in to pricesses…he makes an adorable tinkerbell), trains, rocks, playing house (especially cooking and cleaning…now if I could only get them to do it for real!) and snuggling. Lacking dress-up clothes at home (I need to work on that), my son puts on the Mrs. Potato Head earrings.
I admit that our house had more “boy” stuff in it, but I’ve found that my friends daughters get just as excited about the GeoTrax as my boys. And conversely, when we got to their house, my sons both put on headbands, barretts, play ‘babies’ (dolls) and cook dinner. And love every minute of it.
[…] 20, 2008 in feminism, pitter Sera’s recent post on “Single Mom with Tiny Tot” about gender labeling and the idea that boys are […]
I’m convinced its not *what* they do, its *how we interpret* what they do.
A is behaving independently, albeit in a different way from your prospective baby-sitter’s son, but *he* is *labeled* independent, she is not. A boy can destroy a room, and parents can lovingly kid about what a “boy” he is, but if a *girl* destroyed a room…even just out of curiousity, I doubt very much most parents would react in the same accepting way.
My daughter does do “girl” things. She likes to wear a (her words) “pretty pretty dress”, and a little cardboard crown her Dad made her, “like a princess”. She likes wearing her hair in pigtails because they make her “look like a girl” (I think she got this from school, where some of the other girls in her class wear their hair in pigtails, but no boys do). But she does other things as well. She likes to hug and kiss other kids, run around and fall down and bump into things, play outside, and go through the cupboards and drawers. She’s also quite assertive. I’ve never seen her hit or push another child, but I once saw a kid at her school take her lunchbox out of her cubby, and L got right in her face and shouted “That’s MINE! GIVE IT BACK!!”
Boys and girls do behave differently, but its what behaviors we accept, or praise, vs. which ones we ignore or discourage…that we need to cognizant about.
It’s definitely a interesting debate. But I don’t think there’s any doubt that hormones can come into play when determining personalities. Or maybe there is doubt.
Has anyone ever listened to the “This American Life” on testosterone? I found in interesting b/c I’m the single mom of a son. I know about girls, because I’m a girl. I don’t know much about boys. It was interesting, to say the least. Something pertaining to this discussion: A man featured on the show stopped producing testosterone due to a medical condition, and his entire personality changed.
Here’s a link: http://www.thislife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?sched=1230
Arrrgh, like you, this stuff drives me crrrrrrrrrrazy. Good post.
[…] He’s a boy, he’s more independent. Take Two. (You can read my original post here.) […]