Like ADD and Colic, I think a lot of children get lumped into The Terrible Twos unfairly. Sure, there are plenty of children who actually have ADD, colic, and completely unexplained tantrums. But, for the most part, a lot of patience, research, communication, and coaching can go a long way and allow you to remove the negative label you’ve given him or her.
But then, a couple of weeks ago, Avi momentarily changed all that.
She entered The Terrible Twos. And I labeled her with gusto.
She threw herself on the floor screaming for no reason.
She looked me in the eye, dropped food over the side of the table and then innocently asked, “Is Avi being naughty?”
She screamed inconsolably.
She pushed buttons I didn’t even know I had.
And one terrible and fateful lunch hour, I slapped her. Yes, I slapped her. Not hard enough to hurt; it didn’t leave a red mark, it didn’t make her cry. But it did make her stop. It wasn’t planned. It wasn’t wanted by either of us. But out it came.
I was heartbroken, ashamed and horrified.
I never knew I could feel so much anger at such a little person. I never knew I could hit her. I had become the parent I never wanted to be: I threatened, I screamed, I fumed, I forcibly stuck her in chairs, I hauled her out of stores. We were both miserable.
So I gave myself a time out.
Everyone I spoke to reassured me that “it happens.” In fact, the first person I called was my girlfriend, L__, who had just admitted to hitting her son the previous week without really meaning to (he’s just about Avi’s age) so I knew she would get it. My mom admitted to slapping me and also reminded me that my dad spanked me several times and I’m perfectly fine, and I don’t remember it.
I let them make me feel better, because I needed it. But, the thing is, I don’t really believe that. I don’t believe Avi cries for no reason. She always has a reason, even if I think it’s silly. I don’t believe she would push my buttons just to irritate me. I don’t believe in only one-sided anger: it does, after all, take two to tango. I don’t believe that this hit will not affect her even if she doesn’t consciously remember it.
So I’ve started reading. In fact, I stayed up reading far into the night because I found this book so helpful that I kept telling myself, “I need to read as much as possible right now so I can put this stuff into practice!” Eventually, I did go to sleep. But, even being tired today, Avi and I had the best day we’ve had in weeks. Not a single tantrum. Oh, there were disagreements and irritations. But no anger. No screaming. And no hitting (by me, at least. I can’t say the same for her…yet).
And, just so you know moms, the hardest part of all this? Admitting to her dad what I’d done.
And admitting it to you.
I’ve committed myself to revealing, in this blog, all the bits and pieces of honest-to-goodness parenting that no one is willing to admit or talk about. But this was by far the hardest thing to state publicly. For those of you who do spank, maybe it’s not a big deal. But it is to me. I will carry the shame of the betrayal of my daughter’s trust forever.
I may forgive myself, as she has already forgiven me. But I will never believe that I made the right choice at the moment.
I made the wrong choice.
So now I’m trying to fix it.
And, in the process, I think I will discover what I have believed all along: that a lot of children get lumped into The Terrible Twos unfairly, including my own daughter.
I slapped my little man a few weeks ago. My sleep deprivation was particularly awful that day from the baby, and my 2 yr old had been pushing my buttons all day. I haven’t told anyone–not even my husband–because I’ve been so ashamed. Thanks for fessing up so I can too…and I’m going to check that book out.
It is important to state it in public. Not doing so is what makes it shameful.
We each must find our own way on this parenting journey: some do it with more grace than others. Too many do it without thinking about it at all. The strength of the moment is that you thought about it, and then did something about it. I don’t believe one or two of those in the moment reactionary slaps harm a child permanently. When the good outweighs the bad, the child readjusts their response as well and comes to understand and forgive. It is from their parents that children learn how to handle the difficult aspects of life: and sometimes when we provide the difficult moments, they can learn the life lesson a little easier than if they experience it from someone else first. (Please do not interpret this as I’m okay with child abuse. The “oh my God, I slapped my kid” and you’ll truly never do it again is not the same as child abuse). The harder part is forgiving ourselves.
The two biggest things I learned from parenting: and I only figured it out about a year and half ago (I saw it coming, but tried not to really acknowledge it): In the end, you cannot protect your children completely from the world or from you. Given unconditional love and respect, they will grow delightfully wonderful and strong anyways! And the journey is so so worth it!
Well my little one hasn’t fully ventured into the “terrible twos” yet. She’s still getting warmed up. I haven’t slapped her… yet (though I suspect that it’s common enough that it might happen). I have, however, told her that she can go live with her dad if she kept it up (a sleep-deprived, stressed out, miserable, burnt-out, day for both of us). I immediately had to comfort her because her tantrum became outright terror and fear. I still feel like a rotten mommy for what I said.
Anyway, I have been told that the “terrible twos” are easier if you simply change your perspective on them. I’ve been told to call it: Terrific Twos, Tumultuous Twos, Testing Twos, Independent Twos, etc. I have to admit that it is easier to think of the little one as entering her Testing Twos – as she will be testing EVERYTHING.
I am reading The Emotional Life of the Toddler and it’s really help shed light on her tantrums and the only ones she’s had since then have been because she has been stressed and overtired.
I wish you the best of luck with Avi! You’re a great mom & you two are lucky to have eachother.
Thank you for posting all this. It’s nice to know that I’m not the only imperfect mom.
We seem to be having a similar week.
I didn’t let loose a slap…though I easily could have. Of course, after getting into a power struggle of any kind with your little kid you feel like a dirtbag (or at least I do.) The terrible twos seemed like a party, and the three’s smoothed right by us, too. But four? Four is kicking my ass this week. Today was not a good day, followed by a twelve hour night shift. I’m guessing tomorrow won’t be much smoother…but you never know. At least I get another chance tomorrow NOT to make the same mistakes I made today. Can’t ask for more than that. :}
A very honest post, well done.
Go easy on yourself, this stuff happens, it is awful when it does, but it doesn’t make you an awful person. Children are certain to drive you to the brink, the only sure way to avoid being on the brink is to be drugged up to your eyeballs (or otherwise absent), which wouldn’t make for great parenting, the important thing is to have resources for how you’ll cope when you’re on the brink. You defused the immediate situation by disengaging, you’ve taken stock, you’ve accepted responsibility for the mistake, you’re looking for a long-term solution, I couldn’t think of a better response to your situation.
Rather than thinking of this as a betrayal of trust, perhaps you trusted Avi in that moment more than you were prepared for. You became vulnerable to her and gave her power to reject you for a good reason – thus treating her as an equal and intimate friend. You trusted her to see who you really were in that moment, and to like and love and partner and forgive you afterward. I think she is capable of all that, and by trusting her to be grown up enough to handle a little bit of reality, perhaps you gave her room enough to grow.
I think you expressed your emotion, and although it came out in a physical way, you didn’t hurt her so no harm done. For a moment you gave yourself over to what you felt – a thing we don’t do often enough. Yes there is a line and you don’t go injuring and killing people just because you feel that in the moment, but expressing yourself is important and an important thing to model. Had you kept it all inside, you model that feelings and emotions must be kept inside and that rage must be rationalized away into words and thoughts. She knows you’re a rational and sensible and responsible person… by showing that sometimes you too “lose it” you suggest the idea of a force in life more powerful than Mom. The divine, spirit, anger, emotion – whatever you want to call that force, it’s just the kind of thing that a two year old is hoping to discover with all of their testing and tantrums. Not that you leave her alone with such an idea, or throw the doors open, but a little taste of the complexity of life… well that could be just what the doctor ordered.